how to win girls and influence them.

—

*(and guys?  take special note of that one in the top left corner).

one question personality tests.

i have never understood the necessity of those long, drawn-out personality tests that have 700+ questions and take 4 hours to complete.  generally, you can get at the truth with a single, well-formed question.  don’t believe me?  watch and learn.

——

Test #1:

In the past year, how many personality tests have you taken?

a) 3 or more.

b) 1 - 2.

c) 0. 

If you answered…

a) you are a narcissist.

b) i bet you scored some sort of peacemaker/helper/balanced sort of combo on those tests, didn’t ya?  yep.

c) are you wearing sweatpants right now?  it’s time for some self-reflection.

Test #2:

In your personal opinion, is God a republican?

a) yes.

b) no, God is obviously a democrat.

c) no, God is bipartisan.

If you answered…

a) hard truth:  the tea party is not going to save the world.

b) hard truth:  oprah is not going to save the world.

c) you think yourself a peacemaker, but really you’re a peace-enjoyer.  you need to plant your feet on a stance, man.

surprise option d) you refused to answer on account of the fact that this question is ludicrous being that God is not an American (collective gasp!).  you seem smart.

Test #3:

Which of the following categories does your favorite movie fall into?

a) independent.

b) romantic comedy starring an actress such as mandy moore or kirsten dunst.

c) “field of dreams.”

d) other.

If you answered…

a) you are either 1) interesting, or 2) trying too hard.

b) you are an idealist and are right now probably searching for a person that doesn’t exist.  you have some tough roads ahead.

c) you’re a guy who has a hard time showing his sensitive side, but you desperately want people to know it’s in there.  don’t give up, we see you!

d) other. (if this is all you can give to the test, this is all the test can give to you).

Test #4:

how many cups of coffee have you had today?

a) 3 or more.

b) 1-2.

c) 0.

If you answered…

a) you know how to recognize a good thing when you see it.  you have a good group of friends and a strong support system.  you have energy and are motivated to enjoy life.  you are generally smiling and have a peace and a giddiness about you.  you also suffer from mysterious, bone-rattling headaches and random ”caffeine-withdrawal-personality-fractures,” a phenomenon that you can read more about in my new book; “caffeine withdrawal-personality-fractures: soothing your rage one cup at a time.” 

b) you have a hard time deciphering between dangerous and worthwhile risks.  you need to push through your fears and take on new experiences/cup #3.  believe me, it’s about to get so good.

c) repressed.

Test #5:

After completing the first four tests, you are left thinking:

a) i want coffee.

b) God is too a Republican!

c) you stopped reading 3 tests ago.

If you answered…

a) your brain is healthy.

b) you are stuck in a reagan-worship, amerigasmic state of mind, and you need to get outside help.  you can find such help in my new book: “republican syndrome: how to successfully achieve your own personal GOPotomy and become more than just a party.”

c) your brain is healthy.

—–

the end.

10 best.

my top 10 best romantic movies:

1. Chocolat.

2. Amelie.

3. Before Sunset.

4. 500 days of Summer.

5. About a Boy.

6. When Harry Met Sally.

7. Almost Famous.

8. While You Were Sleeping.

9. Dan In Real Life.

10. Juno.

***

ok, so what movies am i missing?  tell me so that i can watch them.

things that should not be.

Somewhere in the world, right this very minute, someone is reading Henry David Thoreau on a kindle.

be careful what you say around me because i’ll probably blog about it (raisin edition).

I recently asked my friend michelle:  “if you had to eat only one cereal for the rest of your life, which would you choose?”

michelle’s answer:  “raisin bran.”

(the following quote is the official response of michelle’s fiance, lucas, to that answer):

“raisin bran?  

(…) 

you’re going with raisins?

michelle, most raisins are suicidal.  raisins don’t even like raisins.

i bet when bran flakes found out that they were getting mixed in with raisins, they were so confused.  ‘dude, we’re BRAN flakes.  We need all the help we can get, and you’re giving us raisins?!’

think about it.  after eating everything good in a bag full of trail mix, what are you left with?  …a bag full of raisins. 

raisins are the worst.”

—–

the end. 

mystery choking hazard.

a very good example of something that should be prefaced with “I have a terrible idea…”

people I want to punch in the face.

—–

#2.  The next person who speaks the word “bachelorette,”  the makers of “the bachelorette,”  the men from “the bachelorette,”  the actual bachelorette,  and that guy who hands out the roses.

“D”WTS official roster, 2012.

It’s official.  The 2012 “Dancing with the Stars” roster was recently leaked, and the Brightside managed to get a copy before everyone else.  Enjoy!

—–

1. Nick Lachey  (hoping to be known as something other than “ex-mrs. simpson” or “one of those other guys from n’sync”).

2. Jessica Simpson  (got word that Nick was on board, and wanted to do it better than him). 

3. Suri Cruise  (the scientologists were worried she wasn’t getting enough press).

4. Hilary Clinton  (desperate for a chance to show the world her feminine side).

5. Glenn Beck  (at press time, mr. Beck had dropped out of the running after deciding that dancing, television, and bright colors were ”far too liberal”). 

6. Harrison Ford  (apparently that diamond studded earring was only the beginning of his 3/4 life crisis).

7. Snooki  (she agreed after being told, “you’ll be on Television”).

8. Tonya Harding  (disqualified after hiring someone to break Hilary’s kneecaps).

9. Jared the Subway Guy  (stay famous AND keep the weight off?  you betcha!).

10. George W. Bush  (the best plan he could think of for winning back America’s respect).

11. President Obama  (obligated to participate after the republican party snuck an unnoticed DWTS contract into the recently passed debt ceiling agreement). 

12. A-rod  (lost a bet).

—–

the end.

david answers: taco bell.

Sometimes I ask my two brothers random and ridiculous questions just so that I can listen to them be funny. 

Today I asked my little brother David;  “David, on what occasions is it appropriate to eat taco bell?”

(david’s official response):

“The only time it would ever be appropriate (or wise) to consume Taco Bell is when you know that you have a 3 day window of time in which absolutely nothing is required of you.  You really need to map this out, people.  You’re planning on eating taco bell on Friday?  You better not have anything scheduled on saturday.  You better not have anything scheduled on sunday.  You want to eat some taco bell the night before your saturday golf game?  Terrible idea.  Remember that time you shot a 120 and felt like you were giving birth to your colon all game?  Thank you Taco Bell.  In fact, it’s probably a good idea to not go out at all the few days following a taco bell run.  You should even cancel your mail for the weekend (I think the post office actually has a ”reason for mail hold: Taco Bell” check box). You are not going to want to walk to your mailbox with the Taco Bell sweats.  You’re going to be hurting, man.”

—–

the end.

could have done without that.

—–

i had just filled it up with gas too…